Can you literally kill someone with kindness? Can you harm a person by giving them money, food, shelter, gifts or affection? The alcohol and drug treatment industry, 12 step programs, and addiction professionals all say yes, you can. They call this “killing with kindness” enabling, and this label quite literally blames parents, spouses, friends and loved ones for an individual’s drug use. Not only is this idea completely absurd, but it demonstrates why drug treatment fails to help anyone change their lives.

What if I told you that I once had a drinking problem; and by the standards that exist today within the treatment industry I would have been considered an alcoholic, and actually still would be today (remember, to them alcoholism is an incurable disease) even though it has been more than 20 years since I last drank alcohol? And then I told you that last year for Christmas, someone who didn’t know me 21 years ago, gave me a bottle of very good wine. If I drank the wine and “fell off the wagon” whose fault would that be, mine or the person who gave me this thoughtful gift? Would it matter whether or not my friend knew of my previous drinking problem more than two decades earlier?

The only right answer to this question is it would be my fault alone if I chose to drink the wine. The truth is I didn’t drink the alcohol, nor did I experience cravings or urges, nor was I uncomfortable, actually I was very thankful for the gift and then simply re-gifted it to a friend I knew would enjoy it. And that is not the first time since committing to a sober lifestyle that I have been given alcohol as a gift, and each time I pass this very kind gift on to people who I know will enjoy it. While I know this is not the same as the term enabling, it does make a similar point. Whether or not I make the decision tomorrow to drink alcohol is solely my decision. If my employer lays me off, or my spouse cheats, or my son gets arrested, and I drink, the responsibility for that choice and the consequences of that choice are all mine. I own them. So just as the negative, thoughtless, or well-intentioned, yet misguided, thoughtfulness of others has no bearing on my choice to drink or use drugs; neither does the continued help of my family and friends if I am struggling with a substance use problem.

Oftentimes parents will call and ask, “What can we do? We keep bailing our son out of jail, paying his bills and taking him in when he says he wants help, but he only lasts a few days or weeks and then he’s off and running again. We don’t want him to die but we don’t know what else to do!” The answer is not as complicated as one may think. What makes it complicated is the intent of the help that is given. Most people believe they are helping their loved one for their loved one, and that is not entirely true; they are actually providing that help for themselves. When we encounter situations over which we have no control whatsoever, it is human nature to do everything within our power to exert some influence or control over that situation. Each parent bails their child out of jail, hires attorneys, takes them in one more time, and pays their bills, etc., because they are hoping that this time will be the time their child (usually an adult child) will finally change. While a precious few do change simply because they want to as a natural progression of the maturing process, many do not, leaving parents bitter, worn out and hopeless.

Then there are those parents who do make the difficult decision to cut their child off. They say, “You are an adult, if this is the way you choose to live your life, you are on your own. I’m done.” The risks of your child ending up in jail or dying are exactly the same as for the parents listed above; much the same as the risks of your child living, maturing out of their behavior problems, getting their life together and carrying a lifelong resentment that you were not there when they needed you the most.

Most parents fall somewhere in the middle; using their money, love and kindness as a means of trying to manipulate their child into behaving better. They may kick them out one day telling them never to return, and then take them back in a few days or weeks later when their child returns needier than ever, claiming they really want help. The parents being frightened and hopeful that this time will be different happily oblige stating, but this time you must really change. The (adult) child understands this to be manipulation and thus a power struggle is created that can last a lifetime. Adult children well into their 30s, 40s and 50s, and even 60s continue to act like troubled adolescents, while the parents continue to treat them like troubled adolescents. In this scenario no one wins; and no one changes.

Parents ask me, “…but how do we know which time is the time they are serious? How do we when they really want to change?” The answer is so simple, yet elusive; it is

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