Question by Chris: My father is crazy, severe anger problems, and doesn’t care for me. How could he be so cruel?
I am 17, and my parents divorced when I was 3. My father mostly raised me while I only got to see my mother twice a month, my mother passed away when I was 14.

Ever since I could remember, he would get so angry over the most petty of matters. He would physically abuse me when I was younger, but this became more seldom as I got older (I will not report this to authorities, ever). He always shouts and “verbally abuses” me (I couldn’t call that real abuse, it just gets to my emotions).

Five years ago right when I started the seventh grade, he remarried this women with two kids near my age. Slowly and slowly, I became less apart of the family until it has come to where I am no longer apart of his “family”.

He is now threatening to kick me out of the house. It all sounds well and good, but I am about to become a senior in high school. If I am forced to go out on my own, I cannot finish high school. I also cannot go on to enlist in the U.S. Army.

I cannot believe how he acts. I honestly never want to talk to him again. How can the same man who has fed me, raised me, and sheltered me seem to hate me so much?

If you don’t believe he is cruel, he almost didn’t pay for my mother’s funeral (she was on welfare, no life insurance). My father is an ex-alcoholic who came from nothing and is now a millionaire, and he nearly did not have the decency to give his ex-wife a proper memorial.

Anyone care to offer any input? I want to call him a bad man, but if he was, then why would he still feed me and shelter me? He has seemed to replace me with his step-children. I guess I am just his burden.
Spelling mistake on fifth line. I meant woman, not women.

Best answer:

Answer by Theodora
Chris – abusive people can also take care of people who they abuse and not really care for them. It’s a vicious cycle that they create and a sense of power. If he has been like this all of your life, he isn’t going to change.
I only suggest that you do whatever you can in order to graduate so that you can enlist in the army. You’re 17, which means as a minor, there are program out there for you….even places to stay if home is not a safe and conducive place for you. You must do what’s mentally and physically healthy for you so that YOUR life, can be lived and better than what you have experienced and grown up with.

I completely understand your situation; I’ve lived it in a different way and almost nearly going through the same thing…only that i’m older. I’m trying to graduate from college – but family life is making it quite hard for me to want to finish. I just want to leave home.

Answer by Messed Up Fishy
Don’t worry about the error; personally I’ve just gotten used to the little errors I make, or else I edit things forever then start getting obsessive about how I’m not spending my time in the “most efficient manner,” or whatever. As for your dad, I think it’s good that you haven’t retaliated to your dad’s issues, which sound like there are many. At least from what you made it sound like you didn’t retaliate. HOPE you didn’t!

Anyway, at this point, sounds like you are planning to move on with your life, which is a healthy part of growing up. Just so you can focus on your future and do the most for your own happiness, I would forgive him. Dwelling on the emotional pain is going to distract you when you need to focus on your future. This may be difficult to do. Maybe you can tell a trusted friend about your experiences.

Even though I journal a lot, and recommend it as a way to cope with a lot of problems, this may not be so helpful here, at least it hasn’t been so for me. I don’t like journaling about horrible events that have happened to me, because then they are written there, forever, so that I can read about them every time I open my journal, which is only going to keep the inner wounds open.

I would attempt, politely, gently, and respectful to first work out your problems with your dad. Forgive and try to forget for now all the pain he has caused you, because it does hurt when it looks like he is trying to replace you with other family. He may just be trying to cope with his problems by shutting the door where he can, which opportunity arose with the passing of your mother -before you get into a funk, it happened to me, and I think this will help the most, but first, all I was gonna say was to first see if you can talk to your dad about the issues.

If he isn’t able to handle it (and you should be able to tell that fairly quickly), I would then go to someone outside the family who doesn’t live under the same roof as you for help. Maybe a counselor at school, as long as you know they won’t judge you; see, counselors do not personally help me, but I do know of people who have been helped by them. A counselor, I’ve heard, is helpful because its a third party offering a neutral, objective perspective, which can help you then feel more comfortable in sharing your feelings.

Maybe a friend at school, or even a teacher, but I would try to just find someone you can trust, someone who you know you can talk to once and then go on with life, cuz the point is not to keep talking and talking about it. Tell someone you trust then you will start to heal and will be able to move on with your life. So there’s that.

So, parents fought like cats and dogs for as far back as I can remember, which is pretty much since birth, but the images get clearer as I got older. Age two and three were pretty strong, age four the strongest BUT I digress yet AGAIN!

Mom and dad fought a lot, they stuck together with no discernible reason why. When I turn nine they separate, so I’m in the fourth grade, and got a premonition a year before it would happen so was not taken off guard. During this time my mom completely dumps me and my sisters, and her entire life before age thirty. That was her whole childhood (except her dad, maybe mom a little), us, plus the marriage.

She had a lot of problems so wasn’t surprising she wanted a clean slate, even if it meant not caring for her own children. I was nine years old. Dad had physically abused me too, and he was absolute hell to live with, but since she’d emotionally dumped me, she didn’t care at all what my dad did, and things got really scary for a while. Good thing I had some sort of a spiritual life to keep me afloat.

So what I’m saying is I know the feeling and it is not fair, but I also know it will not help to pin blame on anyone. Try forgiveness, try talking to people you trust to help you deal with the problems you have from it, and focus on your future. Your’e sixteen so you have some time to prepare before you leave home.

If it comes down to it at some point, and you feel for safety reasons you need to cut ties with him, I would do it, and would not second guess the decision, but would be extremely careful about isolating the reasons for doing this, because it is heartbreaking any way you look at it to lose a father, mother, sister, brother, or anyone else you love, particularly family. I would say pray to ask for help in knowing what to do about your dad.

Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!

 

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