Question by Jon: My girlfriend is too sensitive and controlling?
I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 2 years now. We met in a Sarbucks, and both happened to be in the program of alcoholics anonymous. I have never met a girl who was so crazy about me, it was actually quite flattering. We were both mutually attracted to each other and about a month into seeing each other, she asked me if we were “official”. Then asked, “can we make it Facebook official?” I was a little weirded out by that question but again, flattered. We started dating. We have a great time together. But she can take things too personally at times, which can make it hard to joke around and really be myself. I love this girl with all my heart, I am loyal to her and I treat her like a princess. Honestly I am very good to her. We argue at times but we get over it. We took a 5 month break in order to work on ourselves and knew that if it was meant to be than we would meet again. Sure enough I was down near her area around October and remembered the good times we had together and decided to give her a call to see how she was. So we got together and recognized each others changes and decided to give it another shot. We took that 5 month break because we were smothering each other and started arguing and just thought it was best to separate for a while. She now has a year + sober from alcohol. I am sober too but do not use the program anymore. I am also on a medicine Suboxone to ensure I don’t go back to my old ways. If you don’t know what it is look it up. So we’ve been back together now for 4 months and so far it’s been great. I even took her with me to CO to spend Christmas with me and my family (too soon? maybe..). I’ve noticed recently that she throws somewhat of a fit if she doesn’t have her way. And I am starting to feel more and more controlled by her because she asks me to change certain things about me. For example, she was going to break up with me unless I attempted to try the program of AA again because she thought a lot of our arguments came from my “alcoholic behavior” and that meetings would fix it/me. I said sure because I didn’t want to lose her and maybe it would be beneficial. She keeps mentioning things like she is worried about being with someone who has been to rehab several times and that I am on Suboxone and that I’m basically just getting high and haven’t really changed. That pisses me off. I’ve grown SO much and come SO far that for her to say some shit like that? Come on. So I’ve asked her to stay out of my “program” and to try and just enjoy the relationship for what it is now and not to worry about the future. I worry about me and you worry about you. Don’t tell me what to do I won’t tell you what to do. But this keeps coming up. And she gets so offended by some of my sarcastic remarks it’s like walking on egg shells now. She just started a full time job (she is 24 and lives at home) and I was at her house last night and jokingly asked for a foot massage. She said no she deserved one because she worked her ASS OFF all week etc. I kind of laughed and said, “wait so sitting in a chair and answering phone calls all day is ‘hard work’?” SHE THREW A FIT!!! I was about to massage her feet!! She left the room with her friend, came back and after a good hour of awkward silence said she was going to bed and that she was really offended etc. I apologized and tried to explain I was kidding and that I’m proud of her for working hard all week etc. She wanted me to drive home. I was in shock. But am somewhat used to this because she does this quite frequently. She doesn’t want to be with someone who cuts her down. So we get her friend and I try to get someone else’s point of view and sure enough the miscommunication issue is resolved and I stay and we have make-up sex and we go to bed. I’m really getting sick of her blaming me for being an asshole and asking me to change in the sense of working a “program” when I don’t even use or drink! I feel our problems come from her taking things too personally and her not getting her way at times. Although most times she gets her way because its ugly if not. Am I crazy or is this girl as immature and dramatic as I think she is? Will she ever see HER part in the arguments and realize that she can’t keep asking me to change and take the time to change herself? I love her and I have patience but being with someone who constantly asks something of me gets old. I told her to stop and to like me for me or that I was going to find someone who does because I like the person I am today and that I won’t change who I am to fit her needs. Should I just leave? I want it to work. THANKS FOR LISTENING TO ME RANT!!!

Best answer:

Answer by Xerandiam
It sounds like you really need to work the program before you can focus on relating to someone else. AA is an excellent program for getting over not just your drinking problem, but the underlying character defects that have caused you to want to medicate yourself with alcohol in the first place. Find a good sponsor that’s not going to allow you to get away with rationalization and laziness. It sounds like your girlfriend needs the same advice, but you cannot own her recovery…you can only own yours.

If you are serious about developing a healthy relationship with your girlfriend and everyone else for that matter, take the program seriously.

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