Question by Alcoholic Researcher: How are people advised to talk when confronting an alcoholic?
Just curious for research and not due to any situation I am in. Same could apply to anyone with an addiction.

Should they acknowledge they know it is a disease the person didn’t choose to have? Or does that mean “well it’s okay then”?
Should they yell and get mad if the person denies or get’s mad or handle it like a kid who can’t comprehend what they did?
Should they gossip and tell others afterward “my brother is an alcoholic and talking to him was like talking to a wall” or is it okay to keep it a secret?

Should we threaten punishments to the alcoholic if they refuse to get help or is this not realistic since it is a disease?

Should we film the alcoholic drunk if they deny having a problem so they can see it?

Does the alcoholic honestly not know they are an alcoholic?

Should we tell them what Al-Anon teaches the non-alcoholic family members to do?

Should we ask them to leave events when they are drunk?

Should we talk to the alcoholic one on one or in a group (like an intervention)?

I am not in this situation now but wondering in the future if I am in this situation and researching to help alcoholics and non-alcoholic family members of an alcoholic. I do believe alcoholism is an illness but I think it can be treated. I don’t believe in condemning the alcoholic as they are suffering with a mental illness.

Best answer:

Answer by dakinijones
No, do not tell an alcoholic what Al-anon teaches. If you really understand the Al-anon program it’s not about trying to change the alcoholic, it’s about recovery from the family disease of alcoholism that also affects the non-drinkers.

From what I can understand, and my apologies if I’m wrong, when you say confronting an alcoholic you mean making some kind of an intervention. Personally I’m not really big on interventions since I believe that no alcoholic stops drinking until they’ve totally run out of other options. Often an intervention will get an alcoholic to go into treatment but they start drinking again the minute they leave because they got treatment to please the family not because they were really ready to stop.

However, a family may well want to confront an alcoholic so that the get an opportunity to express their own feelings and experiences in the situation and that’s a reasonable expectation. There’s no point threatening punishment. But you should have boundaries for yourself about what you will and won’t do. These boundaries are for the non-drinker. You can’t make the alcoholic do anything. But if you won’t accept x behaviour then when x happens you need to leave the situation, temporarily or permanently… The choice is yours.

Alcoholics tend to know they are alcoholics but often object to the term. Many refuse to accept it until ready to stop drinking. If they do accept it they tend to use it as an excuse to not stop drinking. So trying to convince them that they are alcoholics is a waste if time… It’s only a word. What you want is for them to take responsibility for their behaviour. Unfortunately they won’t do that til they’re ready to stop drinking. If anyone knew what makes someone ready to stop drinking they’d make a fortune. No-one knows. But AA is there for someone who is ready to stop. (And for a few alcoholics some other methods seem to work but AA is the one I know does work to help someone stop drinking and stay stopped… But only when someone is ready)

It’s up to the people involved whether they want to yell at the alcoholic or gossip about him. 12 Step programs all it a family disease because it affects everyone involved. You can’t be close to a alcoholic without it driving you a little crazy because they act so crazy. It’s terrible to watch someone you care about destroy their own lives and treat you and your family so badly. Ideally you’ll be working an Al-anon program which will help you through it. But it’s understandable if you yell or gossip because like the alcoholic you’re only human. Best to avoid those behaviours if you can though.

I don’t know about filming the alcoholic. Every situation is different. Sounds a little cruel to me but it may help the alcoholic and not just shame him. Expect a poor reaction in the short term though.

If you have a boundary that you don’t want your drunk alcoholic at events then by all means ask them to leave. You can’t control their behaviour but you can control yours.

I think it’s up to the family how they talk to the alcoholic. One on one or in a group or both. It may be better to think of this as a process than an event. Try to identify your goals: are you trying to communicate your feelings, get the alcoholic to take responsibility for their behaviour, get them to seek treatment, get them to seek recovery. Be wary of the last two as going too early can even have a negative effect on an alcoholic – they may decide treatment doesn’t work although actually they weren’t ready. And be willing to work towards your goals rather than demand instant success.

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