Question by Troy W: How do I handle my 13 year old son and my ex-wife?
I have been raising my son on my own since he was 4. We have had ups and downs but worked through it. His mother lost custody of him because she was a drug addict. I don’t get along with her much because she takes no responsibility at all in her life. She is on disability and refuses to work and really has no disability. Lately she has been trying to spend more time with him which is fine but I have issues with her.

My son is now 13 and is acting like a typical 13 year old. He is being disrespectful to me and other adults and teachers at his school. Recently, he got in trouble at school for saying something very inappropriate which I don’t condone. His disrespect has become worse since he has been spending time with his mother.

She came to pick him up for the weekend and I explained to her that he could not play his new Xbox that she bought him because of his behavior. I told her what he had said and she laughed. She then sided with him saying my punishment was unfair and that she thought the teacher was wrong for being upset with him. He didn’t really get in trouble at school for what he did, but I still was taking away his Xbox for a week because I am trying to let him know what behavior is acceptable and not acceptable. His excuse was that some other kid was cussing at him and didn’t get in trouble for that, so why should he get in trouble for what he said. She also agreed with him that that seemed unfair and the teacher was wrong. She is like a 42 year old teenager.

The problem is that I am the constant disciplinarian and my ex-wife is the super cool mother. She is not teaching him how to be a responsible, respectful member of society. I can’t completely cut her off from seeing him because then he would get mad at me. I have tried to talk to her about not under minding my decisions but she has no real social compass and is very disrespectful herself. She is the constant victim and totally irresponsible.

My son is a good kid and just needs a good role model which I have tried to be. But when he disagrees with me and she sides with him, I am not sure what to do. I am tired of always being the bad guy but if I let him get away with things it will only get worse.

I hate fighting with my son and arguing. I tell him sometimes life isn’t fair and he just needs to accept that and be responsible for his own actions. Then she comes along and tells him that everyone is wrong but him. I am the one that has to deal with the teachers, not her. When he gets kicked off the bus or suspended, I have to take time off work and deal with it, not her.

What can I do in this situation to get him to be more responsible and respectful? What can I do about my ex who obviously is a terrible parent? Any suggestions would be great.

Thanks,
Frustrated Father

Best answer:

Answer by Ashes
First of all, you have all of my respect for stepping up and taking care of your son, for taking on the difficult role of sole disciplinarian and for keeping it together.

In an ideal world you’d sit down with your wife and have a mature discussion about discipline and the expectations you’d like to set for your son. But it’s pretty clear your ex isn’t capable of that sort of mature discussion.

Don’t stoop to her level, and never, ever, bad-mouth her in front of your son. Be the bigger person. There are a couple snide comments in this post “really has no disability”, “obviously is a terrible parent”, “She is like a 42 year old teenager”, and I hope you’re making those here out of frustration and that you’re not usually so vocal about her shortcomings. She is his mother, and if you can’t have respect for her, you can at least have respect for the fact that she is his mother and keep it civil. Keep it together.

You’re in charge of what happens in your house, the Xbox punishment sounds fair, stick to your guns. But at the same time, don’t always be the bad guy, she’s trying to force you into that role by being the fun-mom. Don’t let it turn into good-mom and bad-dad. You don’t have to just be a disciplinarian, you can be fun too. Reward your son’s good behavior as often as you punish his bad behavior. Figure out a project or activity you can do together, and do it with him.

Above all, hang in there. Teenagers are hard, it’s natural for them to rebel, sometimes by hanging out with other kids your don’t appriove of but it can also be with a family member they know gets under your skin, too. But he’ll come around again. Have patience, keep it civil, and reward the good as you punish the bad.

Answer by SamuraiX
a lot of people focus on punishments to correct behavior, but forget about positive reinforcement of good behaviors, which is always more productive. make sure to praise/reward your son when he is good. like if he does all his chores two days in a row, give him some praise and tell him you’re proud of how good he’s been. next time, wait three days, and if he’s been good give him praise and some small reward.. and so on. eventually he’ll learn that good behaviors get him good things. my daughter is only 10 but this seems to work pretty good for me

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